first ever post!

i'm pretty new to all this so have no fuckin clue what i'm doin but lets face it, if we're honest with ourselves, none of us no what we're really doin! i'm tryin to write this so you'll understand (my local dialect just doesnt work up here!).

this sort of feels like i'm talkin to myself and when i usualy talk to myself (dont judge me i'm only human) its either out loud or on paper in some form or antoher, and not on the net. i recently read back over one of my random sketchbooks which is full of righting n not images, and i notcied that i probably sound like a right smackhead when it comes to righting what i'm thinking. this is just one of the things that makes me feel out of place. since moving to uni its very clear that i'm not from round here (proud of where i come from so that doesnt bother me in that sense) and at uni i sort of seem to be inadequate which isnt an unusaul thing for me but it does make me wonder if at the end of the day we are all inadequate but some of us can just bullshit about it more than others. uni makes me think that we're all jusst sort of thrown together n that we have to just try n grate along as best we can and just fuckin improvise! but i rekon most of lifes just improvising...dont know about you lot buti never no whats goin on or whats goin to happen so i just make it up as i go along. to be fair i dont think i'd like to no whats comin up cause the i'd try to stop it or change it. sort of like the butterfly effect if you get me.

on the wrok front, i think its a croc of shite at the minute. its not all bad though cause i've started to get back into my photography (we have a sort of love/hate relationship) which is a good thing...except i swear i now have frost bite after spendin 3hours down the docks freezin me arse off takin photos. but i loved it cause i was just in my own little world. theres was loads of other loners down there to (me also bein a loner cause by definition i was down there on my own) just sittin lookin out over the water (which i admit is somethin i like to do cause it helps me sort out the million n one things i'm usually thinkin about) but i always wonder what there thinkin about. i know what i think about but i'd love to know whats goin on in there heads. i dont know why. i'm not interested in knowin there life story or anythin but it would be mint of you could here whats goin on in there (sort of like in bruce almighty when he can here peoples prayers).

i've also got back into my paintin but not really sure where its goin yet....just goin to go with the flow for the mo (even though someone once said to me that only dead fish go with the flow which i thought was quite a harsh thing to say).i've tried usin a paintbrush to (this might sound strnage but i've never really painted before and defo havnt used a paintbrush) - couldnt realy make my mind up about it....i think i like the feel of paint on my hands to much to use a brush. i like just makin a mark....dont really know or care what the end image is goin to be (yet more improvising). i dont know about anyon else but whenever i see a paintin in a gallery or even a piece of my own work, i always just want to destroy it. i dont know why. it might be to piss people off or just to see what happens. i think i'm just generaly destructive!

the work for the other project is gion alright....its sort of a self portrait and i know what i want to do with it but i'm findin it very hard to get motivated at the minit. sometimes i gues theres more important stuff than uni work.

one day i can genuinely see that i'll drive myself to insanity (no joke)....atleast i'm half way there.

this is quite addictive in the sense that theres always a conversation goin on in my head (i dont here voices or nohtin, just incase thats how it sounded) so i'm basically just righting the triangle of conversation that goes on in m head (theres always one side sayin 'yes', one sayin 'no', and one sayin 'shut the fuck up'....and thats the bare minimum). i have insomnia as it is and i have a feelin that this isnt going to help!

(i know that my english is poor but no-one would know what i was talkin about if i was typin in my 'mother-tongue')

see you around